KEEPING OURSELVES IN CHECK

Let’s play a game.

What do we have in common with Carolina Hurricanes Captain Rod Brind’Amour, fan favorite Erik Cole, play-by-play announcer John Forslund, and Hockey Hall of Fame member, Assistant Head Coach and Director of Player Development Ron Francis?

Your first guess may be “not much”. But you may be surprised to learn a bit more than you think.

Sure, we couldn’t win a face off if our future depended on it. We wouldn’t be willing to take pucks to the face and hits to the body on a regular basis. And one attempt at flawlessly calling a game with perfect pronunciation, no jumbling of names and reciting statistics under pressure while connecting with a fan base of thousands upon thousands would prove nearly impossible.

But a funny thing happens when these guys walk away from the rink. Their hockey exterior melts away and they become ordinary suburban parents. Lugging their kids from activity to activity and sport to sport. Standing on the sidelines, watching their children play. And all of a sudden, they’re just like us.

We had the chance to catch up with four members of the Carolina Hurricanes, who in addition to getting ready for their own season, are heading out to the soccer fields and ice rinks as their children’s fall sports season gets underway. They shared stories about their experiences as kids playing sports and what they’re doing as parents to teach good sportsmanship with their own children. Because, just like us, these pros hope they’re doing a good job keeping themselves in check as sports parents.

So What Is a Sports Parent?
On the outside, we look like normal parents. But during this time of the year we begin living out of our car, adding endless miles to the odometer driving multiple children to multiple locations multiple times in one afternoon. We’ve forgotten how many times we’ve swiped our Visa cards for registration fees, gear and equipment.

We know to show up at early games with coffee in hand. We have sunscreen and water bottles if it’s hot. Blankets and fleece if it’s cold. Some of us sit quietly. Some of us are not so quiet. And sometimes, on rare occasions, a few of us transform before your eyes. Our attitude shifts. We become yellers. Critics. Our emotions can get the best of us.

In these moments, it’s up to us to remember that it’s our job to set an example. We’re the parents and the children are watching.

Benefit of Perspective
With 11 kids between them, Rod Brind’Amour, Erik Cole, John Forslund and Ron Francis are full-fledged sports parents, driving to practices and attending games on their off days. And it’s no coincidence that all four men find themselves to be most comfortable standing quietly on the sidelines.

They admit their calm nature could have something to do with the fact that they have seen the professional side of sports, having had the benefit of a highly competitive career and the hindsight to put it all in perspective. “Maybe because I have done it at the highest level, I don’t get worked up,” says Francis, who played for 23 years before retiring in 2005.

But don’t mistake their laid-back demeanor for a lack of excitement or expectation. “Like all parents, I enjoy watching my kids do something they love,” says Brind’Amour, who has just completed his 20th season of professional hockey. “At the same time, I expect them to give whatever they do their best effort.”

Expect the Effort, Lose the Pressure
Brind’Amour echoes most parents’ sentiments. Expecting our kids to give their best effort is not unreasonable. If we’re willing to invest the time and money, we want to see our kids working hard. And when they don’t, it’s difficult to hide our frustration.

The key, however, is balancing our expectation for best effort without adding pressure. It’s knowing the difference between giving a little push with a simple, short, specific comment that a child can understand versus a long-winded lecture where the message gets lost – except for the fact that our children know they have upset us.

As a former college baseball player, the father of a son who plays AAA hockey and over 14 years experience watching, analyzing and talking with professional athletes, Forslund has first-hand knowledge of how pressure can negatively impact a player. “Our children learn a lot from the way we deliver a message,” he says. “When we say to our children ‘you need to wake up and focus,’ they don’t understand what we mean.”

Often times less is more, as kids already know whether or not they were trying their hardest. “If I was quiet after a game, my father would ask me if I tried my best and played my hardest,” remembers Cole, who is entering his seventh season with the Canes. “If I could say I think I did, he wouldn’t say much else. If he thought that maybe I could have played a little harder, he may say I thought you looked a little tired out there, and then nothing else.”

Teach How To Win – and How To Lose
Cole may not have realized it back then, but now, as a parent, he understands how his father’s responses set the tone for how he approaches his own kids. While his eight-year-old daughter may occasionally need a little more encouraging, his five-year-old son has inherited his competitive nature.

“I find myself explaining to my son that it’s okay to root for someone, but it’s not okay to root against someone else,” says Cole. “It’s important for him to recognize good sportsmanship, whether it’s a card game, Wii game or street hockey game.” This includes teaching his son to look him in the eye, shake hands and say good game, whether he wins or loses.

This isn’t always easy to do. When our children lose, it can be much simpler to brush it off and tell them that it’s not about winning or losing, but how they play the game. We can say that it’s all about having fun and the score doesn’t matter. But here’s the thing. To our kids, the score does matter. A lot.

The truth is when our kids play a game, whether it’s a board game or a soccer game, they are very aware of who the winner is. Yet we live with an environment in which we go out of our way to prevent our children from keeping score. Many local youth organizations don’t track points during games at the youngest levels. In most cases, everyone gets a trophy at the end of the season, just for participating.

The problem with this approach is that sports is about competition. “When we compete, someone will win and someone will lose. It’s part of the game,” says Forslund. “We have a chance to prepare our children for both options and teach them how to get beyond the loss.” As parents, we can’t overlook the importance of teaching our children to win with dignity and lose with grace.

Lessons Beyond the Game
There are times that we may be so consumed with the way our children are playing or the way a particular call went in a game that we can forget the big picture benefits that come from our kids being part of a team.

“Youth sports is about a lot more than the game itself,” says Francis. “Not everyone will play professional sports, but they’ll be able to use all the valuable lessons that they have learned no matter what they do as a career.”

Some of his best memories of playing hockey as a kid are not of the games themselves. “Instead of remembering a specific game, I remember a family I stayed with, the kids I hung out with, or doing something fun like tobogganing in Quebec City,” says Francis.

When Francis had the chance to coach his sons’ hockey teams, he made it a point to incorporate some old school off-ice strategies into the season. If his team was traveling to DC, he tried to carve out time to explore the city. At one tournament, he forced his two teams to hang out with the two opposing teams – teams that happened to be coached by a good friend.

“At the beginning of the night, the kids just stared each other down, keeping to their own sides of the room,” Francis recalls with a laugh. “This was just not something you were supposed to do.” But when the next morning arrived, they were sitting together in the stands. Although their allegiances were clear, the kids had connected. And the games they played incorporated a respect for each other that would not have been there before.

Let Them Lead
There also comes a point as a sport parent when we have to step back and let our children take the lead in working hard through their own motivation. Take Brind’Amour, for instance. As he got older, he realized that if he wanted to become a better player, he would have to differentiate himself. “I asked my parents if they could buy me a light weight set,” says Brind’Amour. This was the beginning of a fitness habit that has helped sustain his long career.

Brind’Amour is quick to point out that this initiative came from him, not from his parents. “My parents were always ex-tremely supportive. They made sure I always had what I needed and got where I needed to go, even if they couldn’t afford to take me,” he says. “But they didn’t pressure me.”

Prevent Burn Out
We live in a time where regardless of the sports our children play, there are opportunities for year-round participation.

This may be tempting, but the down side of focusing on only one sport is the increased chance that your kids will burn out.

“A kid may have tremendous talent, but if he is pushed and pushed, by the time he is old enough to really do something, he may not want to play because it’s no longer fun,” says Francis.

Growing up in Oswego, NY Cole was a kid who went season to season, from team to team, playing not only hockey but soccer, golf, baseball and tennis. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until his junior year of high school when he made the choice to commit exclusively to hockey. “Maybe it was the town I grew up in, or the guys I was playing with, but I am thankful to my parents for letting me focus on whatever I was playing at the time,” said Cole.

“Sometimes, we can be too serious too soon,” says Brind’Amour. Although he knew at a young age he wanted to be a hockey player, he too played a mix of sports. It wasn’t until he was around the age of 15 that he made the decision to concentrate on hockey.

Interestingly enough, Brind’Amour says that there’s a misconception that because he plays in the NHL, he must have been a superstar as a kid. “That is absolutely not true,” he adds. “Most NHL players will tell you that they were average. It wasn’t until they were older that they kicked it in.”

The Voice of Encouragement
Even if it’s statistically unlikely that our children will turn out to be playing alongside these guys in the NHL, it’s important to encourage and support their ambitions. Whatever field it may be. Because so many positives can come from a child who has big dreams.

While Brind’Amour, Francis and Cole all dreamed of hockey, Forslund, a self proclaimed sports nut who grew up watching the Boston Bruins win Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup, dreamt of being a Major League Baseball player or calling play-by-play pro hockey. Beginning at the age of 10, he split his time between practicing baseball and taping hockey games, which he would then play back and announce, with his dad by his side doing color. “I probably annoyed everyone, but no one ever complained,” said Forslund.

As a matter of fact, his parents never said to get a backup plan or told him the odds were against him. The first time he ever even heard a negative comment about his ambitions was during his junior year of high school, when his guidance counselor told him his broadcasting and playing goals were too “pie in the sky”.

Forslund was so discouraged he ended up adjusting his plans and did not go to college for communications or broadcast journalism. Instead, he majored in physical education. It wasn’t until he took an elective in broadcasting and his teacher told him he had some ability that he reconnected with his announcing aspirations. Looking back on that time, Forslund realizes that his father’s advice provided the foundation for him to pursue his dreams.

“My father always said to pick a job you love, so you’ll never work a day in your life.”

Checking Ourselves
Being a sports parent is not always easy; our children are our most prized possessions. We can’t help but get worked up. Have high expectations. Get frustrated by bad calls. Or poor performance.

What we have learned is that although we may not be able to skate as fast as Erik Cole, be as tough as Rod Brind’Amour, break as many records as Ron Francis or inspire like John Forslund, we can gain insight from their experiences. And the best we can do is provide a solid foundation for our children. When we take the time do this, we will inev-itably lead by example – a good example.

Text by Illyse Lane

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